I forgive you.
I forgive you, girl, for the time in third grade, when you lied to mom about using Nair on your arms. I forgive you for feeling like you had to, for thinking that then the teasing would stop. I forgive you for wanting to just fit in so badly. I forgive you for exclusively wearing Tommy Hilfiger from 6th grade to high school. I forgive you for having your first kiss be with the questionable new boy at the back of the school bus, for thinking that might be the only one, for accepting it when he stopped sitting by you because he realized you were not one of the cool girls. I forgive you for not being one of the cool girls.
I forgive you for everything you have done to try to change the way you look - hair dye, waxing, lasers, tattoo ink, contact lenses, acrylic nails, cleanses, diets, straighteners, fake lashes, high heels, push ups, spanx. I forgive you for sometimes wanting to just be someone else, wanting to be no one. I forgive you for drinking until everything goes black. I forgive you for promising only one and then having six, ten, a dozen. I forgive you for your hangover gorging, for eating away all the hard work and hours at the gym.
I forgive you for intentionally 'reinventing your style' every time there is something new at the mall. I forgive you for trying to convince me that it's not because you still feel like that little girl in third grade who will never get it all quite right. I forgive you for wearing shoes that rip flesh from your feet, even for that time your toes were bleeding at Nilton and Vanda's wedding. I forgive you, girl, for all the money you have spent on make-up, shoes, clothes, perfumes, nail polishes, creams, things you never even used.
I forgive you, too, for pushing away the only boy who ever truly loved you. I forgive you for chasing that feeling in everyone you have met since. I forgive you for feigning disinterest when your heart is aching. I forgive you for being a closeted hopeless romantic. I forgive you for waiting for him to call, for crying a little too long for him, for looking at his pictures on social media sites and feeling your chest erupt into a fire. I forgive you for giving up because you are afraid and especially for the time you said "fuck it, I'd rather be alone forever."
You didn't mean it. How could you? Your entire being - mouth, arms, hands, mind - is made for loving. Sometimes the things we love best kill us. But if we're dying anyway, why not have it be at the tender hands of love? I forgive you for being a thing that will eventually die. I wouldn't want to be here without you, anyway.
I forgive you, girl, for the time in third grade, when you lied to mom about using Nair on your arms. I forgive you for feeling like you had to, for thinking that then the teasing would stop. I forgive you for wanting to just fit in so badly. I forgive you for exclusively wearing Tommy Hilfiger from 6th grade to high school. I forgive you for having your first kiss be with the questionable new boy at the back of the school bus, for thinking that might be the only one, for accepting it when he stopped sitting by you because he realized you were not one of the cool girls. I forgive you for not being one of the cool girls.
I forgive you for everything you have done to try to change the way you look - hair dye, waxing, lasers, tattoo ink, contact lenses, acrylic nails, cleanses, diets, straighteners, fake lashes, high heels, push ups, spanx. I forgive you for sometimes wanting to just be someone else, wanting to be no one. I forgive you for drinking until everything goes black. I forgive you for promising only one and then having six, ten, a dozen. I forgive you for your hangover gorging, for eating away all the hard work and hours at the gym.
I forgive you for intentionally 'reinventing your style' every time there is something new at the mall. I forgive you for trying to convince me that it's not because you still feel like that little girl in third grade who will never get it all quite right. I forgive you for wearing shoes that rip flesh from your feet, even for that time your toes were bleeding at Nilton and Vanda's wedding. I forgive you, girl, for all the money you have spent on make-up, shoes, clothes, perfumes, nail polishes, creams, things you never even used.
I forgive you, too, for pushing away the only boy who ever truly loved you. I forgive you for chasing that feeling in everyone you have met since. I forgive you for feigning disinterest when your heart is aching. I forgive you for being a closeted hopeless romantic. I forgive you for waiting for him to call, for crying a little too long for him, for looking at his pictures on social media sites and feeling your chest erupt into a fire. I forgive you for giving up because you are afraid and especially for the time you said "fuck it, I'd rather be alone forever."
You didn't mean it. How could you? Your entire being - mouth, arms, hands, mind - is made for loving. Sometimes the things we love best kill us. But if we're dying anyway, why not have it be at the tender hands of love? I forgive you for being a thing that will eventually die. I wouldn't want to be here without you, anyway.